CLUBBING VET’S Guide to Modern Wellbeing


Self-improvement is the new dancing in a field while off your head. So here’s some on-brand health-related bits to buy and feel vaguely better about yourself. 

Admittedly, several of them are ‘natural’ or ‘traditional’ and possibly snake oil. But I use them all myself and can testify to their advantages on an anecdotal level at least.

Naturally the best way to take care of your physical and mental health is to go an awful lot easier on the Burgundy and roast potatoes, plus find a sport you enjoy enough to get you out and about. But it always helps to have some new lifestyle ephemera arriving via DPS to ‘keep you focussed’.

Best For: Dub Excursionists

Nu Oshun Jamaican Sea Moss


I get mine from highly entertaining, Liverpudlian, psychedelic-flavoured nutritionist Konscious Konsumption. It’s high in iron and magnesium and made from the ‘the same molecules as our mucus membrane, helping re-seal leaks and breaks in our pipelines’ which is fab for your long-suffering immune system. Buried at the bottom of the list of supposed properties is ‘increases creativity and sex drive’ and whoever wrote this is not stretching the truth especially far.

Comes as a murky gel that you spoon into your Nutribullet smoothie.

Best For: Small Business Psychos

Alpha Brain


This is the ‘smart drug’ created from a range of traditional remedies that Joe Rogan is often on about, if you listen to his podcast. I heard him opine about Alpha Brain for years and never bothered trying it; only when a friend ticked me some of his was I converted to its benefits. I find it a lot easier to focus – indeed, Holland and Barrett calls smarts drugs ‘concentration enhancers’ – and not start surfing t’internet when I’m supposed to be working. Solutions and a sense of purpose tend to come easier too. Stay alpha, everybody.

Best For: Back Fence Crew

Vigour 8 High Sweat Body Wash


‘Tested on cage fighters, not on animals’ goes the blurb. Vigour 8 is designed as an after-sport body wash for ‘high sweat environments’. It’s free from foaming agents and other nasties, and boasts anti-fungal properties that will deal with infections from your sparring partners/rave buddies perspiration as much as your own.

Best For: Dad Dancers

Brave Soldier Friction Zone


If you, like me, are a slave to your chafing come the muggier months then your life will be transformed by this balmy gel. You’d think smothering it on would make the hinterland ‘twixt your thighs even more dank and uncomfortable, but it feels like you’ve swapped your Japanese denim for a silk petticoat. Not that you’d otherwise do anything remotely like that of course.

Just noticed that the website this is available from is called ‘On One’ which is the kind of serendipity that follows people like us around.

Best For: Bongo Players

Haeckels Skincare


Admittedly not as underground as other ‘recommends’ on this list having become a darling of the style press, this Margate-based natural range is available from Turner Contemporary gallery in the unconvincingly regenerated seaside town. And the Internet. Top buy: Sea Buckthorn Oil for the face, rammed full of antioxidants.

Best for: Your Monday Tummy

Mike Dolce’s Breakfast Bowl


Mike Dolce is a ‘bro science’ nutritionist noted for his exceptionally successful work with mixed martial arts fighters. He’s faded from the limelight since significant weight loss became less fashionable in that particular sport (long story) but in his pomp he wrote several successful diet books, that this writer can testify to the efficiency thereof.

The ‘breakfast bowl’ famously looks like crap but tastes great, and works wonders for your ‘stool’ as the doctor calls it. Here’s the drill:


Handful of strawbs

Handful of blueberries

Couple of dessert spoons of oat bran

One dessert spoon of milled flax seed

Splash of boiling water

Handful of sultanas

Healthy sprinkle of cinnamon

Banana, chopped

Dollop of almond butter


Chuck the straws and the blueberries into a saucepan and add a splash of water from the kettle. Let it heat up then put in the bran and flaxseed. The ideal consistency is on the dry side as opposed to gloopy. Stir it around, then add the sultanas and the cinnamon. Spoon it into a bowl relatively quickly before the fruit gets really damp and it becomes a mush. Arrange the chopped banana and almond butter on top. Squeeze a little Agave Nectar – it’s like honey with a lower GI index and corresponding ‘sugar crash’ – on too if you like.

Issue FiveSteve Beale