Lit Up the Dancefloor
Buy your way into the Underground™ (No Talent Required) - our insider experts guide to your path on becoming an insta-famous #DJ.
So, you wanna be a DJ?
Not as in Paris Hilton. Or that guy with the impeccable teeth from The Only Way Is Essex. Or even that sweaty bloke from Red Dwarf who doesn't even play house music – but a proper DJ.
You know – like on Boiler Room.
Techno is big business. It's not just real raw talent from the streets anymore. It’s the playground for those willing to spend. Luckily for you, there's a whole industry-for-the-industry now, ready to help you embrace the ‘underground’.
But it's gonna take money. A whole lotta spending money.
It's gonna take plenty of money… to do it right.
First things first; you’re going to need management. That’s where we come in. We are the real power brokers, the lynchpins of a blossoming DJ career. We’re far more important than silly things like music or technical skills. Our connections (allied with your inheritance) are going to open all the doors and put you in all the right places. It's not who you know – it's who you can buy.
We will help set you up your social media profile. Impressions of popularity equals real popularity. It's a numbers game. Instagram is your first stop.
We have readymade accounts, with a generic party girl image that has been following and following every tech-house account, and favouriting every post related to your scene for a couple of years now.
Manned by interns on their first job out of uni, wanting to make it in the music biz. Poor fools, they think there's actually a ladder to climb up. They have no idea you need to buy the rungs. A decade ago they were doing MySpace clicks for Sony. An inexhaustible supply of desperate wannabes. Cheap labour.
Built up and loaded with absently-clicked follow-backs, and ready to be scrubbed clean. All those accounts unfollowed, and the account re-named with your details and face.
So once you begin ‘Gramming, you've already got an army ready to start clicking.
Twitter works in much the same way: bot accounts set up to mimic whoever is currently zeitgeist, fave and retweet-ing anything tagged #soundcloud #housemusic or #techno.
You'd be surprised how many people automatically follow-back a pretty girl avatar that favourites their inane posts. It's a LOT.
Facebook is not quite as easy. You can't rename pages without everyone being notified, and people aren't as generous with their following.
Luckily, you can buy tens of thousands of ‘followers’ from click farms in Indonesia, Venezuela, Pakistan, and the like.
There was an app that exposed who was doing this. Which was half of the festival circuit line-ups, plenty of Mixmag cover stars, and a whole bevy of fading US techno grandads.
Since the whole Cambridge Analytica fiasco, Facebook have tightened up at the back end. No-one can analyse your fake likes anymore. You're free to buy popularity unchallenged.
It'll boost your numbers for a quick glance, although it’s obvious to anyone having a deeper look (lots of followers but not much engagement on individual posts is a giveaway. But you can buy that too though if you have the readies. Don’t worry though, the only people doing that are miserable old cynics who's DJ careers never really took off. And no-one cares about their opinions anyway.
Right. Your platforms are ready. Now for photoshoots!
It's important to get the right shots. This isn't glamour modelling, you can't just bare your abs or tits and then be expected to be taken seriously.
You must still look broody, moody, or sexy. But keep it techno: photos in hired studios, industrial wastelands, and, the staple – in front of Berghain with a record box.
It's important to have the right photo portfolio ready to fill out all those shiny new accounts. You'll be tweeting selfies, not mixes. This is important to bring the brands in – you’ll be wearing their threads, using their kit. You’re our key to opening that door, and we want in.
Need someone on your arm? We’ll make the introductions. We can even give your other half a career. What better than having someone who’ll turn a blind eye to any extra-curricular activities, because their success is bonded to yours? The machine is ready and waiting. If you’ve got the money honey, we’ve got your disease.
Next up – music.
Don't worry too much, we can supply you with a catalogue of all the right tracks to play. Our music supervisors will pore through the latest promos, manicuring the list so it’s just right for you.
You won't have to start actually going out and buying records (although, it's worth grabbing a selfie of you purchasing wax in a record shop every now and then to maintain the illusion).
Every track tagged, tempo-marked, and in the right Rekordbox folders ready and waiting.
The team will even leave DJ feedback in your name if you want. You can choose between “FIRE, THANKS FOR SENDING” or “DOWNLOADED FOR X” if you need to look extra busy and important. They’ll also ensure you have a few obscure classics ready in the set, to make you appear knowledgeable.
We’ve got courses ready and waiting to get you DJ booth-ready. An afternoon in a studio with our tutors, showing you how to use the sync button on a pair of CDJs… it's easier than using your iPhone. We can even send you along to a crew to show you how to act on stage, pump those fists or give a little twirl – all the right body language. Don’t want to end up looking like Inigo Kennedy on Boiler Room, eh?
All DJs are now expected to release their own music too. You'll need someone to write it for you.
To begin with, probably best to use a ghost producer. We will select a few HOTT tracks and pass them to an engineer in Eastern Europe. They will send us back something very similar, for a fee.
48-72 hours turnaround. 400-500 euros a track, if you want passable tech-house quality.
Keep this to yourself though, even though everyone KNOWS half the big acts' music is ghosted… no-one wants to talk about it and upset that applecart.
Once you're a bit more comfortable with your chosen style, you can do a sit-in with a producer. It'll cost a bit more, but with that you're buying credibility.
Same process, you won't actually have to write anything yourself, but you can at least pretend that you're involved by telling the real talent to "add a snare roll there" or "can you make it sound...you know, wowchier?"
Don't forget to take some selfies in front of the equipment!
We will organise for the tracks to be released, with a label that appears to be independent and curated by another client DJ on our roster. Reputation by association is key. If your tracks feature on the right imprints, you MUST be a credible artist.
The music isn't actually there to sell, it's simply a tool for press exposure. With the release, there's also plenty of paid content options.
Big PR agencies sending out articles, ready to ctrl-v-ctrl-c and publish. Low hanging fruit for staff who want to be in with the big players. Everyone knows which side their digital bread is buttered.
Take out adverts on websites, and watch your music get a glowing review. No-one wants to slag off their paying customers. (The adverts won't necessarily be for your work – it's our agency roster that counts here).
You don't have to go for the smaller sites or blogs. They’ll follow suit. Next thing you know, your name is popping up everywhere. You're hot! That means clicks. Clicks means money.
We have 'advertiser admin' access to the social media accounts of magazines, and pay to boost their stories about our clients. Mutually beneficial for the magazines, as it brings in followers for them too.
Everyone is playing the numbers game.
Now that you've spent your inheritance, thousands and thousands on PR and fake likes, you're finally popular.
All that's left is the actual gigs.
You’ll start some pay-to-plays. This is where you actually pay the venue to put you on the bill alongside established acts.
Ibiza is a solid place to start on this. No discerning punters to notice your inexperience behind the decks. But those listings and flyers, with your name just under the recognisable high-profile acts... they’re worth their weight in Bitcoin. We’ll push plenty of sponsored posts, targeted only of course at the 16-25 year old demographics in mainland Europe and the USA.
We will get you locked in for the festival circuit. It’s run by lazy bookers who judge popularity by social media numbers – and we’ve already bought that.
Soon enough, your fake popularity will see you adorning the big events, corporate productions running on sponsorship money that have all the appearances of being raves.
We’ll ensure you avoid any real bookings though, with actual established underground promoters.
They'll see through you in a heartbeat.
But who cares, they can't afford you now anyways.
Don’t worry if get yourself into any bother – carried away a bit on the gear, getting grabby with the ladies, acting the diva, or smashing the place up; we’ve got your back. A carefully crafted apology, calmly released to the right journalists and you won’t lose any gigs. We can even leak some banter stories to distract from the sordid details. We gotta protect our assets, commission is king. Remember: commoners go to court, stars go to rehab. Just don’t go and do a Ten Walls and say you hate the gays on social media – there’s no coming back from that – you’ll be relegated to only playing Eastern Europe for a decade.
You've made it.
You're a DJ. A bonafide, underground DJ.
This is what you paid for!
Adored by gurning punters, a sea of iPhones filming you through the haze.
Just keep them at arms length eh, they're a bit annoying. Where's the green room?