Are you ‘Gammon’?
Our scientific survey will settle it once and for all
‘Gammon’ is a brand new insult. It’s mostly used describe middle-aged, home counties-dwelling white men who might have done OK for themselves, but aren’t entirely convinced by globalisation and other 'progressive' politics.
The phrase was coined by a chap called Mark Zarb-Cousin, who's an aide for Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn. He expanded on the definition in an article for a magazine called Huck (it's like Boy’s Own for the downwardly mobile types you see teaching their disinterested toddlers how to skateboard in Walthamstow Village play area).
Casting our eyes over the Back Fence Crew and all the XXXL Boy's Own T-shirts we’ve sold, we couldn’t help wondering… are we gammon? Or, more accurately, are YOU? We imagine you’ve been wondering yourself – so read on and take the psychological test:
1 You witness a gang of moped robbers chore a lady’s watch, right in front of you in broad daylight. What do you do?
A. Look around to see if anyone else isn’t pretending to look at their phone.
B. Walk away muttering to yourself that she's part of 'colonising gentrification' and was asking for it.
C. Without hesitation, grab a pole from your scaffolding lorry and weigh them in.
2 Gucci suede loafers, shorts and no socks means…
A. Your mum and dad were born in Bermondsey.
B. Your mum and dad danced at the Pikes opening.
C. Your mum and dad are both in the shovel for Bitcoin scamming.
3 What’s your go-to Saturday morning brunch?
A. Keema Per Eedu at Dishoom.
B. Vietnamese Banh Cuon at the local refugee centre, ‘Woke this Way’.
C. Tea. Eight sugars.
4 Your brother in law is…
A) The youngest ever director of BT OpenReach.
B) 'In consultation' following yet another round of redundancies.
C) The brains behind SwingStock.
5 Did you see that Save Me on Sky?
A) We only really get to catch any television on aeroplanes.
B) Yes! A highly watchable snapshot of east end life by one of Britain's top creative talents.
B) Compo out of This is England ought to be fucking ashamed of hisself.
7 What’s your Twitter avatar?
A. A photo of you – the same one you use for LinkedIn.
B. A photo of your cat.
C. A photo of your car.
8 Where do you stand vis-a-vis Tommy Robinson?
A. Reactionary elements will always emerge during testing economic times.
B. With your finger hovering over the ‘angry’ button.
C. In front, ready to take a bullet with the rest of the security detail.
9 Which of the following do you own (one point each)?
B. Tinted varifocals
C. Promotional polo shirts
D. Blu-Ray player
E. Book of sudoku puzzles
10 Dancing in a nightclub, you make eye contact a person you find sexually attractive. Do you..?
A. Slide over and engage them in flirty banter. You're match fit after a few dates via Elite Singles.
B. Ask around your 'friendship group' to find their Twitter handle, then slide into their DMs to discuss politics.
C. I don't really go any more now Andrew's not involved.
TOT UP YOUR SCORES!
For each question that you answered 'A' give yourself one point, 'B' two points and 'C' three points. One point for each 'yes' on question 9.
So – are you gammon?
9-15 points: You’re definitely not gammon. you live in 'Awesomestow' with a non-binary partner called Malcolm who sports a 'Caitlyn 2020 ' ket vest and a very small dog with a Ritchie Hawtin haircut.
16-22 You’re definitely not gammon either. We suspect you knew you weren’t gammon already and only clicked on this to get an outrage kick, just like you do on all those stories about Donald Trump that The Guardian runs. Then again you’re trying to do that a bit less, and become a ‘centrist dad’ instead.
23-32 We could get arrested for having this conversation mate, you know that?